Warning: You may find some of the details of this story distressing

Remembering my early years

As a child, I was very shy, and very timid. I didn’t know at the time that I was living with a coercive parent. It took me a long time to realise. The only thing I can remember from my childhood is that we had two holidays and Mum always made sure we had a good Christmas.

We would sit at the table and have dinner and then my Dad would say: ‘Right, who did what?’ Mum would have a long list of all the chores/jobs we had done that day, and Dad would say: ‘Right, eat your tea, you know what’s happening’. We would eat our tea in fear because we knew as soon as tea was done, we (my siblings and I) knew we would get a whack.

It was hard. I was bullied at school, I was a loner, I didn’t make friends easily, I didn’t trust people. At the time, I couldn’t tell my mum or Dad how I felt. I couldn’t show emotion. I didn’t know how to talk about my emotions. I didn’t learn how to do that. Kids were told to be seen and not heard.

When I was twelve/thirteen years old, I went to stay with a relative, and she was my saviour. I couldn’t wait until Friday; I would go there for the whole weekend, and I wouldn’t want to go home on Sunday. I felt like I was heard and listened to. I needed that respite.

Finding myself

When I got to 18, I went on a youth training scheme, and it was the best thing I ever did. There were six or seven of us on the course and I came out of my shell a bit. It opened my eyes to so many things; I worked at a children’s nursery as a placement, I worked with the fire brigade in the office doing the hydrant charts, I made a hobby horse in woodwork, and I did loads of stuff. That was the start.

It wasn’t until I started to struggle with my mental health that I began counselling. I would say it’s only in the last 20 years that I’ve really worked on myself.

When I’m not heard, that’s a big trigger for me and the counsellor said the reason you act the way you do is because of trauma in your younger years. The counsellor helped me to retrain my brain and that’s what I do daily. I scream and shout to motivate myself. I do still struggle daily, but I tend to have a plan now. I have to have a plan. If I have a lot to do, I do get overwhelmed and I have to have a list.

I have to fight it every day.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t help it. Sometimes I can be strong, and I brush it off. My life is like a weighing scales, in that there are so many dramas going on, I can cope, but then something else comes in and I can’t cope.

“I didn’t realise how bad I was. I would be at home, and I would make a list of my jobs for the day, but then I would get up, sit on the sofa, and have a cup of hot chocolate, put telly on, and I wouldn’t move. I was frozen.”

Even though my head was saying: ‘You need to do this, you need to move.’ I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t move. Eventually, that’s when I would have to scream at myself and do a job and when I was doing that job, all I wanted to do was sit back down again. It was frustrating.

The Good Mood Cafes

Four years ago, it all came to a head.

I went to the doctors, and they said you can self-refer for talking therapy and Mum began to have talking therapy and opened up, too. I found out about CPSL Mind’s Good Mood Cafes, and I’ve been going for almost a year now.

My partner comes with me as well. He’s off to the Good Mood Cafe this week and he’s really looking forward to it. Two people I’ve been friends with for 35 years both came last week, and they are going again this week. They enjoyed it. Then I’ve got another friend who is going for the first time tomorrow as well. I’m trying to put the word around!

“It feels amazing to have so much support. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much support.”

I enjoy it all. It was such a laugh the other week at the Good Mood Cafe, I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in all my life.

If people want to come along to the Good Mood cafes, come! There are people there who can help you, people at CPSL Mind can open doors to help you and point you in the right direction for support.

I’m coming through the other side. I could never tell my mum what my Dad had done, she knew we went through a lot, but now I can tell her about it. In a way, I feel like I’ve got closure. I know I’ll never get a sorry from my Dad, but I don’t care. I’m really close to my mum now and we have got closure from the trauma. The Good Mood Cafes have helped us both. She’s a big support for me now – and I’m a big support for her.

If you’ve been affected by the issues spoken about in this article, help is available.

If you are experiencing an emotional or mental health crisis, there are people who can help you. Call the NHS First Response Service on 111 and select the mental health option.

Visit our ‘Get Help Now’ page for a list of contacts and resources to help you.